With this in mind, how does a parent address the technology use in the home?  This week I give you 10 tips that will help address these issues.

1. Be Alert:

Be alert. Watch, listen, learn, and engage with your kids.  When your kids are engaging in video games, watching TV, or engaging in some other digital activity–use these times as teachable moments.  Come to grips with the fact that neither you nor your kids are immune to technology’s ability to entice.  Even King David violated every one of the Ten Commandments when he sinned with Bathsheba; because, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The digital world has the capability to destroy you and your family.  It has the power to actually re-wire your brain.  You or your kids are not above abusing yourselves or someone else with technology.  Don’t assume your kids are always going to make the right choices when using technology.

2. Create a Safe Environment:

Create a home environment that makes it easy for your kids to share their hearts‘ desires, concerns, apprehensions, fears, temptations, and experiences in all areas of their technological experience–even their mistakes.  They must know it’s safe to discuss these things with you–and do it regularly.

3. Establish Media Habits:

Establish good media habits. Lead the way.  Change your attitude to align with Christ’s attitude toward media in your home; then, model it before your kids.  Kids are much more likely to acquire appetites for what they are often being exposed to.  Media should be a privilege instead of a constant activity that is simply taken for granted.  Have your kids get into the habit of asking permission to use anything with a screen or keyboard, while in your house.  Consider a ban on headphones in your home.  Unfortunately, sleepovers are probably a thing of the past.  Remember, one click could change your child’s life forever.

4. Remember Accountability:

Attach all media to a system of accountability.  Location is everything.  Keep it in a common area.  Never allow a computer or a television in your child’s room.  Have filters for everything.  Know all their passwords and codes.  Snoop often, and check history often too–it’s just good parenting in the twenty-first-century.  Do your best to make media use a family affair.  Consider media and digital fasts as a family.  Consider having a time when all technology is checked in and locked up each night.  Have each sibling monitor and hold one another accountable. Allow an outside objective source to review and critique your family’s media habits.  This could be a pastor, family member, or trusted friend.

5. Get on a Media Diet:

Determine a media diet and stick to it.  Only you will know that balance.  Allow your kids to help make it.  They will often be stricter on themselves than you will be on them.  Allow your kids a cell phone that is nothing more than a phone.  Limit leaving your kids alone.  When you must, have a system that locks everything but their phone.

6. Recognize the Warning Sighns:

Is your child tired in the morning, because he’s up all night?  Has he lost his appetite for things he normally loves?  Is he withdrawn from the family?  Is he irritable, defensive, and touchy when asked about his computer habits?  Does the screen on the computer seem to suddenly change often as you walk by him?  Remember, you could be a foot away and never know what he’s viewing.

7. Get the Church Involved:

Encourage media literacy and accountability in your church, social club, and with your friends.  This fosters the authoritative community that encourages accountability and standards that transcends your home, making your community a more trustworthy environment.

8. Develop Media Habits:

Be proactive in encouraging good wholesome media habits.  There are many websites like www.pluggedin.com and others that can help families navigate the sea of entertainment alternatives.  Instead of telling our kids what they can’t be exposed to, give them a number of healthy options for which they can be exposed.  This will train their appetites for more wholesome entertainment.

9. Find Alternative Entertainment:

Digital entertainment isn’t the only option.  Sports, hobbies, board games, and books are just a few of the myriad of non-techno activities that kids can rebuild and refresh their minds and bodies with.  Steer them toward balance in their lives.

10. Turn it Off:

It’s quite simple really.   Just turn off the media every now and again. In fact designate one night a week, or so, where all media is off for the entire day.

Aside from the obvious temptations the culture presents, a major factor in the loss of faith among teenagers is due to parents not educating their kids on the subject of worldview.  Based on the statistics, and my experience, this is largely due to the fact that parents too often do not live according to a biblical worldview themselves. Not to be callous, but to live it, one must first know it.  Hosea 4:6 says “My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.” Not only can’t parents live out what they don’t know, but they certainly can’t teach it either–at least not without discrediting their message in the process.

From the vision statement, to boundary development, to the way our  families makes decisions, every aspect of your home must be congruent to the biblical worldview we claim to own and believe.   But how can a teenager be expected maintain his faith if his parents do not live according to the standards and principles of a biblical worldview?  Well, to put it bluntly, he can’t.

If you are expecting your teen to maintain his faith, you must train him.  However, before you can train him, you must understand the concept of a worldview, and honestly evaluate yourself.

Define:

Before you can train up your child you must understand what a worldview is.  I speak extensively about how to define a worldview here.  Essentially, the short definition for a worldview is that it is the filter in which we view reality.  It provides us with an understanding to life’s toughest questions; which are questions of origin, meaning, morality and destiny.  Therefore, a biblical worldview is a worldview that filters reality through the principles and standards set forth in the Bible.  A practical example of this would be if your teen is presented with an opportunity to cheat on an exam; his decision will be determined by how he views reality.  If his moral standing is such that believes cheating is not wrong, more than likely he will cheat.  But, if his moral standing is such that cheating is wrong, he will, most likely, choose not to cheat.  The subject of worldview can be very simple and very complex at the same time.  To gain a more in-depth understanding of a worldview I highly recommend the Understanding the Times curriculum from Summit Ministries.

Evaluate:

Once you understand what a worldview is, you must evaluate your home and determine what worldview your family has adopted.  However, the starting point to evaluating your home is to first honestly evaluate yourself.  Below are some quick questions that can help you gauge if you are effectively developing the habits necessary to live according to a biblical worldview.

Do you require your family to attend Church at least once a week?

Do you read the Bible in a quiet setting most days?

Do you lead your family in a devotion or Bible study regularly?

Do you actively monitor, discern, and control your media consumption?

Do you set boundaries for yourself, and then self-discipline yourself to adhere to those boundaries–even when you are alone?

In order to develop your teen’s character and faith so that he can withstand the temptations of today’s culture, you must understand how you and your family view reality.  To gain a clearer understanding of your family’s worldview, you must honestly evaluate yourself.  In order to train your teen to remain confident in his faith, you, as the leader of your home, must consistently live according to a biblical worldview.

What obstacles do you face that are preventing you from living according to a biblical worldview?

As a Christian parent, it is vital that you understand the American culture.  If you don’t, you will not know how to effectively communicate with your teen and help him effectively navigate it with his own biblical worldview intact.  In my eighteen years of helping parents in crisis with troubled teens, I have identified four areas of today’s culture that will negatively influence your teen most.

This post is only a brief overview of a bigger picture.  My intention is to give you a thirty thousand foot view of the many facets of our culture that could influence your teen in a negative way.  I also hope that you will continue to do more extensive research in these four areas.

Worldview:

The most important and overlooked area concerning today’s culture is the subject of  worldview.  Parents must be aware that the American culture influences our teen’s and answers their questions through a postmodern worldview.  It provides them with the illusion that truth is relative, and that moral absolutes do not exist. I speak extensively on this subject on my radio broadcast License to Parent, in the episode “Understanding a Postmodern Worldview.”

Commmunication:

Social Media and texting are quickly becoming the primary mode of communication and gathering and forming ideas for today’s teens.  By eliminating the challenges that face-to-face socialization brings, today’s teen’s are losing the ability to properly handle social situations.  In addition, as a consequence, their ability to effectively communicate suffers immensely.  While social media has its benefits, and is not inherently a bad thing, you must make yourself aware of the dangers of its misuse and help your teen develop appropriate boundaries.  In addition, take the time to help your teen learn to correctly work thorough the conflicts that true socialization brings about.

Entertainment:

Today’s culture is enamored with entertainment.  All you have to do is turn on the TV, or listen to what is on the radio to get a glimpse of how demoralizing America’s entertainment is.  It’s important that you do your homework to know and keep up with what your kids are being exposed to regularly.  Entertainment is 24/7; so, without the proper knowledge, boundaries, and discipline to help guide your teen through the culture’s entertainment barrage, he is much more likely to fall prey to the negative influences and consequences of today’s entertainment glut.  Music is arguably the most overlooked of all the entertainment assaults. Though most parents find much of today’s music offensive and dangerous, very few know just how dangerous it actually is.  Unfortunately, too many parents are being entertained by virtually the same music their kids are.  Some great tools for gaining insight and resources in these issues are Center for Parent/Youth Understanding and Media Talk 101.

Parent/Child Relationship:

Another subject that definitely needs to be addressed is the parent/child relationship.  To put it bluntly, too often teens feel abandoned by their parents.   Workaholism, addiction, digital distractions, hobbies, and other activities and vices have created a world that leaves little margin for thought and intimacy in relationships. There is an old saying, “If the devil can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.”  Parents must understand that teens live in a culture where they and their peers have largely been abandoned.  This is why so many teens value even the weakest and most destructive peer to peer relationships. Their thinking is that any relationship is better than no relationship. Parents would do well to make sure that their families take the steps necessary to create safe and secure relationships that their children can depend on. This starts with the husband/wife relationship and then the parent/child relationship.  Chip Ingram of Living on the Edge has an excellent small group curriculum ”House or Home” that will challenge families to grow in their relationships.

Today’s culture provides families with a million and one different obstacles.  If you can develop an understanding of the culture we live in and these four most influential areas, then you will be better equipped to provide your teen with a safe and secure home.

What are some other areas that you have encountered in today’s culture?

As a parent, you must prepare your teen to stand firm in the Christian faith. Otherwise, outside religions will seem more appealing to him.  So, how do you prepare your child?  The key is to train him to comprehend, live-out and defend his faith by consistently providing him with answers to his questions.

According to Deuteronomy 6:7 you are to talk about the scriptures “when you sit at home, when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” In short, you must consistently and intentionally train your family in the Word of God throughout the day. Also, always look for teachable moments.

There are four main questions that every religion must answer.  If you can provide your teen a home that consistently provides answers to these questions, he will have a better chance at embracing the Christian faith despite the culture’s temptations.  Remember, science, history, archeology, and logic are on your side!

Where did life originate from?  As science becomes more advanced, many scientists attempt to challenge the concepts of creation.  Your teen will be bombarded daily by teachers and peers that present your teen with evolution thought and theory.  Your teen must know how to confidently defend the stance on what the Bible says concerning where life originated.  Ken Ham with Answers in Genesis produces some excellent resources.  Engage in some form of curriculum that will help your teen on a weekly or daily basis.

What is the meaning of life?  Your child was created for a distinct purpose. Help him develop the character and discipline to achieve his goals and dreams. Challenge him in his weaknesses and cultivate his strengths.  On a daily basis try to engage in some form of conversation on how the Bible practically provides the answers to the meaning of life.

Why is it important to live a life of morality?  When all of your teen’s peers are discarding morality for pleasure, it’s going to be hard for him to stand firm. Consistent answers to this question; intentional boundaries developed to keep your teen from making immoral choices; and an authentic relationship, will provide your teen with the confidence he needs to navigate the temptations in today’s culture. Also, your actions are the most effective answer you can provide.  This means, you must live a moral life.  If your teen sees you discard the very morals you are teaching him, he will most likely discard the same morals when he is tempted.  A life genuinely submitted to the will of God is the greatest teacher.

Where do I go when I die?  In a culture that embraces the idea that many paths lead to Heaven, you must help your child understand the foundation of the biblical worldview and the salvation provided by Christ.  Ravi Zacharias with RZIM provides compelling podcasts and discussion forums that you could listen to with your teen.  Take each week to listen to an episode and discuss it.

Today’s culture provides some appealing alternatives to teens desiring to be Christians.  By providing your child with a biblical worldview, you will be providing them the answers to life’s most difficult questions.  To the degree you can help your child cultivate a relationship with Christ and provide him with cogent answers to these questions, that will be the degree that he will be capable of standing firm in his faith.

What are some common questions that your teen asks?  How do you provide them with the answers they need?

Believe it or not, it is possible.  In my 18 years of ministry, the following seven areas are considered the foundational pillars in developing an authentic relationship with teens.

Boundaries: The process starts with setting clear boundaries.  Draw a bold line in the sand with your child.  What time do you want your child home in the evening; what media do you want them engaging in; what kind of friends do you want them hanging out with?  Decide the answers to these questions ahead of time and implement them as “house rules.”  Your child will most likely feel differently about these things; that’s OK, this is why you are the parent and they are the child.  After all, you are the one who must answer to God for the things you have allowed your child to partake in while living under your roof.

Discipline: Once you have laid out a clear set of boundaries; ENFORCE THEM.   Boundaries are useless unless you uphold them.  If you can imagine boundaries being the laws of your home, then discipline would be the police work needed to execute those laws.  If your child misses curfew, take their keys.  If they are caught with inappropriate music, take the iPod.  The punishment must always fit the crime.

Respect: Once your child sees there are consequences to their actions they are more likely to respect the boundaries put in place to protect them.  Respect is a huge factor in this as well.  Being consistent with your boundaries, by enforcing them through discipline, shows your child you mean what you say.  Though they may begrudgingly adhere to the rules, still they will do so; because, through this consistency, you earn their respect, which fosters security in any child.

Control: When kids know that you mean what you say, it instills in them a healthy fear, which, as politically incorrect as it may sound, is a fundamental component to respect.  This, in turn, earns you authority and control, as the parent.  Control is another important aspect to all of this.  If a parent does not have control in the home it is very likely that the child will try to take it.  This is the result of the child’s insecurity fostered by the lack of control observed in his parent.  In the process of trying to take control for himself, the child often comes to grips with the fact that he really doesn’t have a handle on it either.  When kids feel out of control they often do very unhealthy things to compensate.  That’s when they often seek solace in areas such as unhealthy entertainment, drugs, sex, gangs, etc.  These things, although they don’t really solve their control and security problems, fill the gaps that the lack of control and security brings to their lives.

Security: When a child can respect their authority it is much easier for them to relinquish the control, because there is security there.  Security is fostered when a child feels safe; because, they have been given a clear set of boundaries–and these boundaries have been enforced through discipline.  Believe it or not, kids do not want to be left alone to their own demise.  They want someone to stand up and tell them they can’t go to that party–especially when they aren’t strong enough to say no themselves.  They long for someone to stand up and fight for them–even when they can be the very ones fighting against you themselves.

Trust: Providing them with security builds trust.  They will not always see eye to eye with Mom and Dad; but, they will learn to accept their decisions and honor them, knowing their parents have their best interest at heart and knowing that they will keep them safe.  If boundaries represent the law of your home and discipline represents the police work executing those laws, then trust would be the policeman’s badge.  The badge says you have the authority and the credibility to do your job as a parent.  The most respected and effective badges are ones that are earned–not just given.  God gives parents a badge by virtue of their position.  However, it is up to parents to maintain the respect of their kids to sustain the authority represented by it.

Relationship: All of these things lay the final ground work for the relationship. Once your child knows you can be trusted, they know they can bring anything to you and you will never cease to love them.  Your boundaries and discipline have caused them to respect you.  Because they respect you, you have relieved them from feeling they must gain control.  They’ve relinquished control and found security in the home.  Through their security, they have built trust.  In this trust, you’ve begun to build your relationship.  So, you see, you really can’t have one without the other.

None of this comes without hard work; and, the work of a parent is never done.

This heavy responsibility rarely comes without some knock down, drag out battles.  But, stick with it!  You may have to sacrifice closeness with your child for a season; but, a season pales in comparison to a lifetime of closeness. Hebrews 10:35 says, “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere, so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.”

At the beginning I asked you – “How, in today’s culture, do you place boundaries in your child’s life, enforce those boundaries, earn respect, maintain control, provide security, earn trust, and maintain a relationship with your son or daughter at the same time?”   I did not ask you how to build a friendship.  I asked you how to build a relationship.  Kids need Moms and Dads, they have plenty of friends.  Get this right now, and you will have their friendship for life!

What steps do you intentionally take in developing an authentic relationship with your child?

If there is one thing I have learned from my years of ministering to teens, it’s that they are craving an environment that provides them with safety and security.  By placing a teen in a loving, nurturing, and secure environment you are much more likely to see him flourish.

Your teen is no different.  The home you provide for him must be loving, nurturing, and secure.  After working with teens and families from all across America, it has become abundantly clear to me that an authoritative community is vital for the success of any teen.

An authoritative community is an environment that wherever a child turns, in every facet of his life, there is someone in authority to point him to a common moral standard–whether it be the child’s boss, track coach, neighbor, or another parent.  It’s a system of accountability consisting of people of status and authority who have influence in the lives of others.

When I was younger, the American culture, as a whole, was an authoritative community.  For example, if I got in trouble at school I was not only disciplined at school, but my teacher notified my parents and I was disciplined at home as well.  In general, authority was unified as to how kids needed to be raised–including disciplinary measures.

To establish your home as a secure environment, it may benefit your family to first develop a common vision statement, which I’ve discussed in a previous post.

After establishing direction, there are two obstacles you must address to make your home more stable and secure.

Culture: The culture may be your biggest obstacle in creating a secure environment.  Today’s culture does much to promote for your child a very unstable environment.  The byproduct of an unstable environment leads to insecurities, which can lead to addictions, gang activity, compartmentalization of lives and faith, and much more.  Chap Clark writes extensively on this topic in his book Hurt 2.0.

One way to overcome negative cultural influences may include being intentional about developing boundaries that limit, phone calls/text messaging, social media, video games, internet browsing, movies, music, and other forms of media usage.  Music, movies, and TV are often the most overlooked concerns that yield the most undetected, yet connected problems.

In addition, provide an alternative to media such as:  Family game night, eating dinner as a family, hobbies, sports, playing music, devotionals, or small group conversations.  Make your home secure by limiting accessibility to the negative culture influences.

Relationships: A second obstacle in developing an authoritative community is your child’s relationship with authority figures.  Often times your child will develop relationships with authority figures that have opposing views on the important things in life.  For example, your son’s P.E. coach may think it’s OK to cheat; while his science teacher thinks humanity evolved from monkeys.

A practical solution is to place your child in schools and activities in which the authority figures share your views on life.  Also, be intentional about getting to know your teen’s teachers, coaches, and youth pastors to determine their stance on the important issues in life.  For Christian families home school may be the best option.

Creating an authoritative community is a complex process that will require time and sacrifice. In this post I’ve provided you with a starting point.  Identify any obstacles your family may face when creating a secure home.  Once you have identified the obstacles, make a realistic assessment of your home and determine how you will address them so you can provide a safe and secure environment at home.

What are some obstacles your family has faced when trying to develop a secure environment in your home for your child?

While Ministries and businesses spend thousands of dollars to establish the proper vision statement, parents too often do very little to communicate an adequate direction for their families.

A vision statement unifies a team, and provides the momentum needed to create goals that will fulfill the vision.

Take football for example: Every player for an NFL team has a clear vision to win the Super Bowl.  To the degree that a team succeeds in the goals they set, that will be the degree in which they will succeed in fulfilling their vision.

Families need to learn to operate in the same way.  In today’s culture our teens are without direction.  The lack of direction in their lives is too often due to a lack of vision within the home.  I touch more on this in my eBook America’s Youth Culture Manifesto.

How can parents provide their family with a clear purpose in life?  One way is by working together, as a team, to develop a vision statement.

Identify:  First, your family must identify 3-5 objectives that your family wants to achieve.  This should be a fun family occasion.  Intentionally schedule a time for your family to develop your objectives.

Grab some sharpie markers and sticky notes and have your children write out objectives they would like to achieve in their life.  Each sticky note needs to contain a single objective.  Then, place all the sticky notes on a wall.  Depending on the age of your child, their objectives will be more or less coherent; but, the goal is to help them learn to communicate what is important to them.

Next, categorize, identify, and agree on 3 to 5 main objectives for your family. Some examples could be character, relationships, worldview, career, or education.

Communicate:  Once you have identified 3 to 5 objectives, record them and post them in a prominent location.  The refrigerator is always a good place.  Then, tell your kids to pray for the list and set a follow up date to finalize the vision statement.

Next, as the parents, you need to develop the actual vision statement using the 3-5 objectives your family identified.  This should be done by the husband and wife without the help of the kids.  In general it should be between one to two sentences long and easy to communicate.

Once you are comfortable with a vision statement that represents your family’s objectives, spend a family day and communicate your vision in creative ways.  An example could be going on a hike as a family.  As you hike the trail, pause periodically to talk about the vision statement.  No matter how you do it, make a day of it and make it unforgettable.

Finally close the event off by providing your kids with a personal tangible item that has the vision statement written on it.  In addition, find a prominent place in your home to post it – i.e. your living room mantle, dining room, etc.

Live Out: Now comes the hard part.  Make a commitment to your kids, and a covenant to God, that you are going to model the vision every day.  Every obstacle and decision your family faces will be filtered through the vision statement.

To the degree that your family identifies, communicates, and lives out its commitment to a family vision statement, that will be the degree in which your family will succeed in obtaining the vision.

Our ministry went through a very similar vision development process. View our vision statement for an example of what one could look like.

What are some ideas that you have for developing a vision statement in your home?

But first, I’d like to take the time to highlight some of our most recent developments. In this post I have provided five parenting resources we now make available for families that you may not have been aware of.

With nearly 90% of young adults walking away from the Christian faith, our desire is to be more than just a resource. We want to create a community of families that will be proactive in reconciling  their personal relationship to Christ, restoring their families’ relationships with one another, and by God’s grace, transforming the American culture.

Our efforts in achieving this goal begins with this blog post. In addition to launching this blog, we have re-vamped our resource site to provide you with easy access to parenting resources that will challenge your family. Here are the five most recent resources that parents have access to.

1. eBook resources. Beginning with America’s Youth Culture Manifesto we will be releasing eBooks that provide practical insights to biblical parenting. These books have been developed from proven methods we have been using every day while ministering to troubled teens for nearly two decades at Shepherd’s Hill Academy.
2. License to Parent with Trace Embry radio broadcast. With our new site you will have easier access to all of our broadcasts. These broadcasts identify the problem in today’s families and discusses practical solutions. We discuss these topics with some of America’s top Christian leaders including Ravi Zacharias, Chip Ingram, Chap Clark, Ken Ham, and many  more.
3. Parenting Weekend conference. Through our new site and the Insight for Today’s Culture blog you will have access to my speaking/conference schedule. In addition, you can contact us to request that I host a Parenting Weekend conference at your church.
4. Insight for Today’s Culture blog. Each week we will be providing a weekly blog article that tackles the culture’s most difficult topics and gives parents the tools they need to train up their children. To stay up to date with these posts, subscribe to our blog and you will be sent each week’s post free of charge.
5. Community and Conversation. As this ministry moves forward, we desire to create a community that is passionate about impacting this culture. Our community needs your input. Each week, at the bottom of the post, we will present a question for you to comment on. In addition, we would love to hear feedback through our contact us page. Lastly, become a part of the community by joining the conversation on Facebook and Twitter.

We hope you find these resources beneficial, and our new ministry efforts to parents insightful. If you would like your copy of America’s Youth Culture Manifesto, just click the button below and provide us with your email address. America’s Youth Culture Manifesto clearly identifies the main problems our culture presents to teens on a daily basis.

I appreciate your patience as the team and I took time away to develop these tools for parents. Until next week; remember, if you don’t train your kids, somebody else will.

Question: As we continue to develop our resource ministry, what are some topics you would like to see discussed?

Shepherd’s Hill Academy Provisions

Peer pressure is no longer defined as it was in the previous millennium – where teens influence other teens into doing something they wouldn’t ordinarily do – such as smoking pot or getting drunk. Peer pressure for teens today is better defined as a network of mutual self protection. Kids are trying to discover who they are in the adolescent years. They are in self-survival mode. It is difficult for a teen to resolve the “I am alone; but I am in community” area of their lives. They will create “multiple selves” to feel safe and to adapt to unfamiliar situations. They too often turn to their peers for counsel and reassurance instead of their parents or other adults.

It is up to the entire church community to help resolve the confusion and insecurity within our youth. This responsibility should not fall on the Youth Pastor alone. We are all to be the salt and the light to the world and model Christ to others, especially to our kids. It is our responsibility as Christian adults to be involved in teaching our youth a biblical worldview. Adults will need to make a conscious effort to form and model an authoritative community for our kids. This will help them recognize how to be the unique people God created them to be, while giving them the security they are all ultimately searching for. Kids need to know that there are always concerned adults available for them – especially adults who care enough to help them grow and learn who they are in Christ.

Author: Trace Embry is the Founder of Shepherd’s Hill Ministries. He hosts the License To Parent radio program. For over a decade, Shepherd’s Hill Ministries has helped struggling teens through its residential program and Christian boarding school, Shepherd’s Hill Academy located on an 86-acre property in Georgia. Call 706-779-5766 for more information, or join us on Facebook.